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| Breton's Nadja, 2012 |
It was only a routine physical. My reflexes flex, my lungs are clear, no moles to keep an eye on. I am fine, but there are choices to be made about my future. They don't just tell you what to do anymore, you are expected to participate, ponder various studies, make decisions. It's strange how knowing more can make you feel less safe.
So I go to City Lights, unsure if I enter to find the comfort to think, or to escape life for a while. I find Nadja by Andre Breton, a Surrealist romance. Nadja reminds me of Dulcinea, and I've always been intrigued by Dulcinea.
I chat with the tall slim bookish man at the counter. He is grey, emanates just a hint of literary smugness, and is handsome in his own interesting way. His smile is warm and kind and his black frame eyeglasses confirm his intelligence. He notices my uncommon middle initial on my credit card and inquires. I appreciate his odd attention to detail and it helps me forget all I wish not to think about.
Vesuvio is just next door, and it is peaceful, cool, and dark. Although it is only 11:00 AM I decide to order a pint and sit upstairs beside quiet window light, with a new book I do not need. But the book does bring me solace, its bright orange and yellow cover. I pause and admire it, and the wonderfully painted little round table it rests upon, and I sip my pint and watch the silent bustle on the street below.
Nadja
Dulcinea
your writing. always so true. i feel like i've often retreated to the bookstore (for a book that i don't need) as a source of comfort. wishing you clarity, denise.
ReplyDeleteI can think of no better way to mark uncertainty that to enjoy a pint before noon.
ReplyDeleteI knew you two would understand...
ReplyDeleteSomehow my day is complete upon visiting a bookshop. You are a kindred friend.
ReplyDelete: )
DeleteOh God you know what I want now. and when you're ready perhaps you will write another long email.
ReplyDeleteUntil then, stay still.
xo Jane
Oh no. I'm sorry, Jane. Think of a large slice of pie, or maybe a chocolate cake.
DeleteSomething about Vesuvio that just makes you want to order a glass of something! City Lights is worth a trip to San Fran again, soon!
ReplyDeleteI always enjoy your ability to recreate a mood.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes. Knowing more can make you feel less safe. Yes indeed. I'm glad it all went well.
it's true. knowing more and knowing less. and i think the adventure through a book store is a good meditation in those moments. and the pint at 11? a very good choice.
ReplyDeleteI feel I was moving silently along with you on this morning, sitting at another table, wondering about that cover and wishing I'd bought myself a pint...Yes, sometimes being told what to do is more comforting than having options. I hope your book and quiet time helps to clarify.
ReplyDeleteKnowing more is often scary, but hopefully knowing more becomes empowering. I hope the pint and the new book helped put things in perspective.
ReplyDeleteI am almost ready to get in my car and head for the bookstore for some idle perusing... and a pint (of coffee, that is, for me). I like the description of the interiors and subjects in this post: almost palpable real.
ReplyDeleteBrava for the pint. I'd love to know your middle initial and whether the guy asked you what it stands for.
ReplyDeleteIt is O. He did ask and I did tell him.
Deleteyes indeed knowing more can make you feel less safe, but conversely it can also make you feel more empowered. i like that you know, and seek out what brings you comfort at uncertain times - it helps to nourish ones soul. i'm intrigued by your middle initial....
ReplyDeleteO
DeleteI think you've got the right idea, and have already made decisions that will do your health more good that any studies or whatnot that the doctor feels obliged to advise you about—forget the doctor, enjoy your book and your pint!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that I found a soulmate :) For me, a book, even the one I don't need, is the most essential thing in my hands every day :)
ReplyDeletethe solace of a book store.
ReplyDeleteI miss that.
hoping all is good with you.
making some big changes over on this side.
perfect way to ease uncertainty, sometimes just holding a book with a nice cover is good enough. yep.
ReplyDeletenever been to Vesuvio's but I always look up at the people in the window. next time I will wave if I think it's you :)
I can think of no better way to deal with uncertainty and fear than a pint at lunch after a visit to the bookstore. I know it is probably too personal to share, but I wish you calmness clarity in making whatever choices you have to make.
ReplyDeletebtw -- I'm building up my book pile to take into the field with me (reading is such a comfort out there to me and I always read more in the field than at home) and I just ordered Sea Change from your recommendation long ago...now I'm sad that I had to order it rather than pick it up in a bookstore but alas, I don't have that option...one of the few things I dislike about my little town.
Q? Z?
ReplyDeleteit is ironic, healthwise--the more you can know, the more fearful it can be. a visit to City Lights and Vesuvio's is a fine balance to a visit to the MD, no matter what circumstances.
O.
Deletewhat a nice cover too.
ReplyDeletethe not needed new books are usually the best kind ;)