Monday, February 28, 2011

American Girl

yellow, 2011

I was in the back seat, beside him, listening to The Black Crowes and gazing out the window onto the bleak landscape. We were going skiing, sort of, if you call skiing in Wisconsin skiing. One of my best friends sat up front. The conversation had dwindled and we rested in the quiet. My mind was whirling, as it tends to on road trips. Without thought I blurted what was on my mind.

What if one day I just want to run away, hop on a plane and escape?

No one really knew how to respond. Maybe they didn't care, maybe such statements were just too misaligned with Midwestern manners to warrant a response. He was less than pleased.

I'd completely forgotten about that day, that ride, but she reminded me of it recently, my friend in the front seat. He's no longer in the picture, but she is. I still see her from time to time, we click right into our former roles and talk as if no time at all has passed. True friendships work this way.

As anticipated, I did escape, but not by plane. It was hurried and by car. He'd gone to 7-11, for what I cannot recall, while I jammed all I could into a suitcase and drove away. I soon found myself in the lobby of a nice generic hotel downtown, checking in under a false name, only leaving my room to visit a nearby Thai restaurant where I felt safe. No one knew where I'd gone. Not this friend I refer to, not even my parents. I needed time alone, to sort things out.

Eventually I moved into an attic above the rooms of two Chinese friends. They were sisters. They introduced me to dim sum. They couldn't bear watching me pay to live in a hotel as if it were an apartment. I was only with them briefly before finding my own space, a quaint little apartment, mostly empty, all mine.

Back then I wanted to erase the last year and a half of my life, but I accept it all now. It's part of who I've become, and I quite like her, usually.

In trying to determine where my dreams of breaking away originated, they've been with me for quite a long time, I returned to a pivotal point I believe to have taken place very close to, if not in, my 10th year. Complete blame rests upon From the Mixed-up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler. Gosh, I loved that book. A brother and sister moving into the Metropolitan Museum of Art -- taking baths in a fountain and dreaming upon antique beds. I couldn't have imagined a more exciting and elaborate way of running away.

Soon after my reading I wrote up a plan to run away and live in a nearby grocery store. Not as glamorous, yet quite practical. The museum was obviously more brilliant, but I didn't want to be a copycat. Unfortunately, I couldn't interest my sister, or my cousins.

While single and living in Chicago, I entertained the idea of leaving Corporate America and running away to Italy. I'd be a a waitress. I'd start a new life. I'd worked as a waitress one summer in college, so I had the experience. It was the perfect plan, collecting my pay in cash, strolling through olive groves, and living quietly beneath the radar.

How about moving to San Francisco with someone I'd only known for six months, leaving my career behind, and going back to school full-time to earn my MFA? Oh, that one really happened.

I've imagined my sister on a train, far far away, watching the sun drenched countryside from her window. She stops in a rural town and begins a new life, happily employed by a small bakery.

And then there is the scenario where my mother accepts a position in an ad I read. She moves to the rolling hills of Olema, CA and lives in an Airstream. Room and board in exchange for caring for the horses, a little gardening, and helping maintain a small property. She's happy. I can see her smiling sun-kissed face.

I've envisioned another good friend of mine in a snippet of an alternate life. It's kind of retro 70s music video style. She's laughing and running through what seems a never ending field of yellow flowers, topless and free, her long hair flowing, the sun shining. It's all happening in slow motion and takes place to the soundtrack of Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers' American Girl.

American Girl (studio version)

* more poppies and other blooms over at Jane's today *

34 comments:

  1. so. this is what our lives is shaped from. i find. so sweet!

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  2. I'm fascinated by your desire to escape and break away. My desires were so strongly the opposite; not to stay where I was but to establish a solid place to belong. Perhaps the same thing in different guises? A desire for our true selves to show?

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  3. If only we had the chance to live out our lives in these different ways, the people we might have become. Sometimes the paths we follow are shaped by little things that did or didn't fall into place that day. I so identify with your need to run away and escape because my desire to leave Britain was with me all through my adolescence and I finally made it. Those people in the car (especially him) didn't really get who you are so I think you made the right decision. Oh and another book tip from you, this one sounds charming.

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  4. On Saturday I met a friend out who I had not seen for 10 years. It was like we were never apart. Very easy. The conversation flowed for three hours over glasses of malbec and vodka's with cranberry. We had both run at one point in our lives and so we both shared what had spurred it. I find that these days I am running to something, instead of away, and it is very nice.

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  5. I so recognize your 'what if I just run away' -thought! My desire to escape has lead me to Paris... I find it truly fascinating, all these different roads we can walk in life!

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  6. I love to follow a link back to you.

    Never know where it's going to take you. Never what I expect.

    I wish more people could surprise me like you do.

    xo Jane

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  7. I was the same as Kate, I always wanted to settle down and put my roots down deep.

    Thanks for stopping and leaving a nice thought..I love poppies, I guess I should grow some. Have a great week!

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  8. ...of all the possible selves and outcomes, I am pretty happy with mine. Yours doesn't seem half-bad either... but it is fascinating to wonder.

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  9. Do you know, that was one of my favorite books as a child as well! I think everyone considers, at least at some time, an alternative life or reality we might slip into. We are perhaps not running away, but running towards something else, something other... we hope, something better.

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  10. ahh to just up and leave - to run away from everything and start somewhere afresh, become someone else...i often wonder what would have come about if i or others had done just that...interesting that you have acted on this desire (perhaps it was a need) as i often wonder if others have these thoughts... i like that you envisage 'other' lives for people...i confess to doing the same...and how very true - a sign of a true friendship is being able to slot back together seamlessly after an absence... now i am off to investigate the poppies...

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  11. One day I will fly away.. but only for a visit.

    Thank you for stopping by and the kind words x

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  12. Running away from our lives just for a moment and letting our minds travel unfettered -- that's creative freedom.

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  13. Love this -- and love the image of your mom in Olema, with horses, with the sun on her face. That might be a little dream of mine, too ...

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  14. I've always had this dream, too, no matter how content I have been. I vary between wanting to find some great commune on the Pacific Coast and living off of the land to going to South America with all of my money to disappearing to Europe. I think it's the stuff of dreamers.

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  15. Oh my. I *loved* that book, but had completely forgotten it (and its name).

    I have always had that same urge to run, slowly (hence my blog name). I like how you describe it, in terms of imagination and wondering.

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  16. Your post reminded me of my favourite movie "Bridges of Madison County". I didn't have an affair, but I really related to Francesca living "a life of details" and "standing still" so that everyone else can "move forward". At this time, I wanted to run away as well. I felt trapped, stunted, uninspired and even resentful.

    I made the choice (as did Francesca) to stay. I'm so very glad now that I did. To me, our lives are about following our instincts but to understand the consequences. Sounds like you followed your instinct and that it was the right thing for you at that time. It's all we can do.

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  17. fantastically inspiring. something about 2011 so far--i keep daydreaming about an escape as well. maybe i'll take one, maybe i won't. we'll see...

    meanwhile, thanks for the book recommendation. how did i miss that one in childhood?? :)

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  18. Please continue, I would like to read this book till the end (:

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  19. Even now I sometimes think of escaping and wish my life had taken a different turn. But I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.

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  20. We moved around so much growing up, I think I may be slightly addicted to fresh starts and clean slates. There is something invigorating and forgiving, in a way, about getting to re-invent who you are. Perhaps simply feeding a different part of yourself that has gotten lost in a stalled life. I don't know. But I do know I so love your writing.

    xoox,
    -maria

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  21. so freeeeee, yet so brave, so strong, so real. life, in all its yellow, powerful sunshine.
    My escape would be finding that place for "living quietly beneath the radar"...maybe moving "back" to Italy...

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  22. i've been thinking of this post for a few days now. thank you for writing it.

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  23. You are pretty great. Just look at these thoughtful comments. How am I this lucky? I was a little nervous about this one. After I pressed publish I wanted to snatch it back and hide it, but I decided to let it be. This is my workshop. I must take some chances. I just want you to know how grateful I am for each and every one of you. That you choose to come here and share your precious time with me is pretty amazing. I appreciate it more than you know. Thank you.

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  24. You're amazing Denise - love this. Gives us an insight into your life and also starts us reflecting on our own. Choices, decisions, paths taken and not...

    If your mom ever moves to Olema - I'm coming over :^)

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  25. i often long to escape for awhile forever. but i don't know where i'd go. i like the idea of a grocery store.

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  26. It's the idea of running away, letting go of identity, responsibilities, roles that I love and not the physical act. The last time I escaped I couldn't figure out where to go and ended up in a grocery store parking lot. I climbed into the backseat and slept for two hours. It was a good use of two hours because I returned home calm and rested. I guess I'd run far enough.

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  27. your stories always stay with me for days...i love that...

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  28. Such a good post and I'm still pondering over it. That's a really good sign I believe.

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  29. Why wouldn't you call skiing in Wisconsin skiing? What do they do?

    I love the compassion you discovered for your past.
    I love how you wanted to take a road trip to escape... reminded me of the movie Sunshine Cleaning. The sister takes a road trip at the end and I imagine that she will be immensely happy- in the way I finish it in my head.

    Were you a good waitress? I've always feared that occupation.

    Have you ever watched the movie Stranger Than Fiction? I think that working in a bakery would be tremendously rewarding.

    Lovely post. So many images and questions to reflect upon.

    Thank you.

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  30. the Lady, The only other place I've skied is Vail -- huge difference in length of runs. Yes, I was a good waitress, I think. It was just one summer and so long ago. I have seen Stranger Than Fiction and really liked Maggie as sexy baker. I'm happy to have prompted so many images and questions. Good fun. Enjoy your Sunday evening.

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  31. The problem of course with following your suggestion of just wiping the slate clean and forgetting about the past 2-3 of blogs is that I would miss gems like this.

    While I've never been in a situation where the desire to escape and start anew was a necessity, I actually often play that fantasy out in my head. Some days, that is the only thing which gets me through the day. Of course, the next day, I wake up quite content...and fearful of losing all I have.

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