Sunday, January 2, 2011

Reasons To Be Beautiful

Starting, 2011

The sound of cars lumbering through dirty puddles was growing tiresome, so I found a recording of Jan and Dean's Surf City and set it to repeat. It definitely lifted the mood, with the exception of the insistent two girls for every boy... Really. Still, it was better than the puddles and the cold and the dull flat view. Yes, my former Chicago self would have laughed in the face of the individual describing this morning as cold, but I no longer have sturdy Midwestern blood. Like it or not, 46° is now cold. Just one of many increments of change that have taken place over the last decade or so. So I shimmied around the apartment to warm up a bit Well, with two swingin' honeys for every guy, And all you gotta do is just wink your eye... Okay, that is it. Enough Jan and Dean. A little 90s Courtney Love will level the playing field and match this dead weather that brings life. She was born here. It's difficult not to appreciate a girl who reads a Sylvia Plath poem for her Mickey Mouse Club audition. Oh yes, this is it. Let the music match the mood. So I sink into it and somehow it all circles backward and ends up in yesterday. The first day of this year and the day that I woke to something beautiful done for me for no reason at all by someone I barely know who had absolutely nothing to gain by doing so. For me. I thought I'd be smiling all day. But then I wondered, why me? How? Do I deserve this? It halted me, concrete drying around my lower limbs, or maybe it was more like sinking in quicksand. Could I live up to it, this vision of the person she perceived? So I carried the weight around with me all day, just to see how it felt. I loved it and it scared me and...it was heavy. Today I sit here watching small red potatoes grow eyes, knowing they must be used. I feel the warmth of belief and realize it has stolen space from the heat of the struggle.

26 comments:

  1. That made me sad. My mother planted well the seeds of self-doubt in my mind, and I felt it in your writing.

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  2. Beautifully written. Happy New Year.

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  3. i'm a wimp too - it IS cold....

    and yes - that weight - what an apt description... [and i for one think you are ever deserving]

    happy new year

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  4. You strike me as a loving and supportive person. People would want to do nice things for you.

    And you don't have to do anything to be deserving except be yourself.

    nice work if you can get it.

    xo jane

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  5. kate, Yes, I sometimes visit with self doubt, but luckily I'm also very close to my dear friend resilience.

    Cha sen, Thank you. Happy New Year.

    lisa, I know! I'm wearing long underwear and thick socks. Sheesh. Ever deserving? I like that. Thank you. Happy New Year.

    jane, Thank you for such a kind and thoughtful note. You are one of a kind.

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  6. sometimes it's hard to accept a gift, a kind deed---and just accept it. we worry about if we deserve it, can live up to it, if we can return it, in kind, and how. it's okay. let the mood be the mood, but the gift is still one that someone wanted to give, and believed you deserve. (and you do!)

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  7. ((hugs)) you must honor the gift by simply saying thank you and enjoying it. the giver would be sad to know that she (or he) made you sad.

    i hope you are able to release that into the ether and enjoy the gift.

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  8. Thanks for the comment!
    I was just scrolling past some very delicious looking recipes on this blog :) Can't wait to check them out!
    xoxo
    Olivia

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  9. Chop off the eyes and put the potatoes in a soup!

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  10. I like the title you've chosen to go with this... you always make me think. Happy New Year, Denise. xo

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  11. I wish I could write like you, where the words flow effortlessly and vivid images remain.
    Your photography is really good Denise. I caught up with some other posts and I love the simplicity of your photos and a minimum of distractions in your side bar. So calming.

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  12. You are a strong and supportive bunch. Thank you for reading and thank you for your kind words. They make a difference. The sun is shining this morning and I think it's going to be a very good day, for all of us. Enjoy.

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  13. I would love to thank the thoughtful person who did something so lovely for you so that we (your readers)could enjoy the gift of this post.

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  14. Happy New Year Denise!
    It's a wonderful thing to be able to balance self-doubt and resilience. Good for you!
    Magda

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  15. Love, care, regard do have weight to them. Such things build us in life. They are worthwhile. Do not doubt your worth!
    Happy new year!

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  16. Perhaps having another believe in you can be a burden because now there is someone other than yourself to disappoint, but I like to think belief also better arms us for the struggle.

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  17. Thank you. Today has been a great day so far. It seems I'm past my Piglet moment. Sorry to burden you all with that. I think Rachael has it exactly right "belief also better arms us for the struggle". So true. I feel armed and ready, but in a nice way.

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  18. Beautiful.
    I hope that you have a wonderful 2011.

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  19. having grown up in catholic land, I know all about the self doubt and guilt and weight and heaviness that are put on us...but I try to make strides daily to feel light and happy to be just me, no strings attached. you deserve to feel that "light-ness" with all the "light" you bring to the world. accept the gift of you. happy new year, Denise

    P.s.i love all your literary, musical and film references

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  20. i know what you mean, about the weight, but you are certainly deserving i'm sure. and yes, it's cold. and my former NY self is not so impressed either, but my CA blood is thin. cozy up & keep warm!

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  21. My born and bread bay area blood shares your feelings on the chilly 46 degrees! Scarves worn in and out of the house all winter is how I get by.

    Love this peek into the evolution of a mood and feeling. One moment to the next... how a simple gesture can send us spiraling or tip us off balance... Beautifully written dear Denise - as always. xo

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  22. It's freakin' freezing and that's all there is to it. And I'm glad someone cherished you a little - it sounds like it was well-deserved.

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  23. Happy New Year Denise! Reasons to be beautiful indeed - such lovely writing..so evocative...as your writing always is. Having someone do something for you...out of the blue...with no strings attached...and when that person has nothing to gain...can be bewildering...but perhaps the rather than question it one should accept it for what it is - a true act of kindness.... sometimes easier said than done...

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  24. i absolutely love the deep flow in this post, the seemingly effortless account. cheers.

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  25. Sending much love your way - now and always. You are deserving of nothing but kindness and beauty, Denise. Of that, I am certain.

    xoox,
    -me

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  26. Beautifully written as always, and I love your comment to Kate. resilience. such a good thing.

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